Being John Malkovich premiered at the recent Venice film festival. The press loved it, the fans groped the stars and climbed on the limousines, and we all partied well into the next morning with the rich, famous, and otherwise interesting/beautiful people. It was wonderful.

You, of course, weren't there, but don't feel bad. We have decided to share some of the joy and let you vicariously experience the thrill of international attention. In this exclusive internet engagement, you are about to BE the director, Spike Jonze, living and breathing at the VFF. How, you wonder? Let me put it this way: we have acquired the proprietary rights to a unique portal. By traversing this portal into a ripe vessel body, we can actually "be" someone else...

(Click on the image to download the clips. Hi-resolution version recommended highly, lest you miss the subtle details that define another man's existence.)

In this first clip, we get a little backstage "before-the-press-conference" action. Lots of hand-shaking, introductions, etc. Note the towering Italian hit man, Cameron Diaz hanging out, John Malkovich playing with the baby, and Catherine Keener on the way in.

This clip takes us inside and into the press conference. If you listen closely you can hear Spike and Malkovich talking shop as they walk (I'm not sure if JM knew he was being recorded at this point- ironic, given the context of the film. Heh.) Everyone takes their spot at the table, note the "S. Jonze" nameplate and microphone. The translator breaks things down real quick, and Cameron Diaz has a good quote at the end.

Here we have Catherine Keener and Cameron Diaz answering questions about working on the film and working with Spike.

Malkovich steps up to the mic and dissects Spike's directing style, and his responses to ideas ranging from good to bad: "That sounds good", "That sounds amazing", "That sounds harsh", and "That sounds good, but maybe..."

This one still makes me laugh every time I see it. Cameron starts off with some bathroom questions for Malkovich, then the conference ends. There is some brief, polite applause, and then everyone rushes the stage for autographs. This one guy in particular cries "Cam-eh-ron! Cam-eh-ron!" with all his might and thrusts his pad and pen violently forth, but to no avail. He comes up empty, and we can only imagine the depths of despair he must have descended to on his way home, knowing he was shunned by his beloved Cam-eh-ron.

During this final bit of shmoozing at the end of the conference, you can hear someone (Catherine Keener, I think) saying "I'm not going out there." I don't blame her. For when the stars step outside into the fray, approximately seventeen thousand Italian photographers start screaming names and popping flash bulbs. I don't get it- do they really think calling out "John! John!" amidst 16,999 other photographers screaming the exact same thing is actually going to get the attention of "John", and even if it did, would that make for a better photograph? Who knows.

And this concludes our trip of Being Spike Jonze at the Venice film festival. Of course we can't show you the really wild stuff, but you'll just have to use your imagination. Hope you enjoyed it all the same.